What Would Emily Post Do?

When It Comes To Business Etiquette, Do You Make The Grade?

I frequently google around on etiquette topics to get a feel for what's out there, and last night's search gave me back this USA Today quiz on business etiquette. (Just turn off your volume first, it has annoying audio.)

It's a great quiz, asking lots of the questions that I am asked to cover when I lead business etiquette seminars. And they got all of the answers right! (I expected nothing less, but it's nice to these finer points hit so well.)

But, heh heh, I didn't get all the answers right (insert blush here). I got 14 out of 15, and I'll give you a leg up on the one I got wrong, as it taught me something new.

The question was, "What percentage of the message you communicate is conveyed through your visual appearance?" You could choose 30%, 55% or 75%, and never having heard these breakdowns before, I had to take a shot in the dark. I went for shock value and chose 75% (which would be scary if true).

Survey says: Incorrect! Phew. The answer is 55%, with this explanation: "This figure is from a study by Albert  Mehrabian , a professor of psychology at UCLA.  Your wardrobe should fit and be appropriate for the setting.  Pay attention to your body language, and don't forget to smile." I may have never heard this stat before, but as a professional etiquette expert, I couldn't agree more with the advice.

Wedding Registries Shift From Tiffany Blue To Eco Green

Poking around on one of my new favorite sites, Ideal Bite, a website dedicated to providing daily tips for living green, I found a post from about a year ago on green wedding registries. Their list is still pretty comprehensive; my research didn't pull up any new sites I'd add. It got me Googling, though, and I was also really impressed with an entry on green weddings from the Sierra Club's blog (jump to item nine for info on registries).

So, etiquette-wise, is it okay to have a green registry? Sure! It's a nice way to spread a little awareness and still get what you want, while also supporting manufacturers of eco-friendly items. Not a bad package! Just be aware that if a lot of the items you request are very untraditional, your great aunt may still send you a blender. The choice of gift, in the end, is always up to the giver.

Remember, too, that another way to be green is not to consume at all (eliminating CO2 emissions from product shipment, as well as the byproduct and waste of manufacturing and packaging). Requesting "no gifts, please" is one way to achieve this; another is to ask for donations to be made in your name to your favorite charity.

Last little piece of raw etiquette: mention of gifts or registries, even "no gifts, please," should NEVER be made anywhere on your wedding invitation. (Instead, inform your wedding party and your close friends and family about your registry, and spread the news by word of mouth.)

This isn't to make your life tough; it's to ensure that the focus of your invitation is on hoping that the recipients can attend and share in this day, not on their sending you a gift. There are few ironclad etiquette traditions left, but this is one, and I have to say, one I'm proud to stand behind as it keeps the focus on the people, not the things--a green concept if ever there was one.

Become an Official Fan of Emily Post!

Hello, facebook generation! Emily's fan site launched today on facebook; take a look, become a fan!

Blog Comments: A New Civility Barometer?

While in L.A. on a recent business trip, I heard an ad on the hotel TV for the new BMW hydrogen 7. I was up to my elbows trying to repack my suitcase, so I didn't actually see it, but back here in Vermont a little googling brought me to a blog about it on treehugger.com. As I read down through the comments, I noticed something at the bottom: The "post a comment" button doesn't say "post a comment"; it says, "post an intelligent and civil comment." Hey now--that's a little different. The next day, two different friends forwarded me this piece on civility in commenting from the Miami Herald. Seems like the fates are trying to bring something to my attention, so I'm going to play nice with karma and bring it to yours, too.

I'm cringing a little as I type, knowing that a blogger blogging about a code of conduct for leaving comments is the electronic equivalent of putting a "kick me" sign on my backside. All the same, here goes. There has long been a debate in the blogging community about whether or not to police comments. Almost a year ago, The New York Times did a piece on this topic, and I think it's worth a revisit. This may not come as a big shocker, but I'm all for a little civility on the web.

In essence, the internet is (for better or worse) the last Wild West we have left to us; a place that is slowing going the way of Dodge City, but that still has lots of places that are, if not ungoverned, at least governed with the lightest touch. It makes a for a pretty raw reflection of who we are and how we express ourselves--a true barometer of our civility, if you will. But I think it's also something else--I think it's a forum to decide who we want to become as a society.

Our society here in America is synonymous with freedom of speech, yes, but not freedom from accountability. Words have power, and with power comes responsibility. The words in blogs and their comments are a form of communication, a form of interaction between anyone who writes and/or reads them. I'm going to lean on an old quote from Emily Post herself: "Whenever two people's lives affect one another, you have etiquette." You may not see or even know the person whose words you are reading, but they can engender very strong, personal reactions all the same.

If part of blogging and commenting is to take part in a global conversation--an exchange of ideas--I believe it's important to think about what our purpose is when we choose to participate. In most cases, it's to share a thought you're excited about, or to make a counterpoint to someone else in an effort to set a record straight or make a clarification. I can't think of a single case where leaving a profane or hateful comment will bring about a positive, constructive change. This doesn't mean that I think people can't disagree; in fact I'd encourage people to talk about points of difference, as it invites communication, something I talk a lot about on the job. The better our communication, the greater our understanding becomes, and the more connections we can make with people who hold similar interests. All of this hopefully leads to the generation of exciting new ideas and possibilities. I simply add my support to expressing yourself with the principles of etiquette: consideration, honesty and respect. Who wouldn't want to be treated that way?

 

It's Cloud Nine Here in L.A.

It's my first trip to L.A., and I was taken straight to Cloud Nine. Literally. After a 4 a.m. wake-up call on the East Coast (where it was an unforgiving -10), I found myself at 4 p.m. on an L.A. freeway in sunny 70 degree weather headed for Claremont, CA, where I had a book signing that evening at Cloud Nine, a terrific stationery store on the main street. The owners, Dina and Joanne, who are also independent wedding and event planners, were so welcoming when I arrived, making it easy to settle in. They gave me a tour of their store, where they have put together a great mix of boxed stationery and gift paper, in addition to offering custom invitation services. The fabulous custom examples are mixed in around the store, along with beautiful pens, date books and single cards, mostly of the letter press variety so chic right now. 

The signing got under way, and I had a big stack of books in front of me. The store carries a good variety of the Emily Post library, and there was interest not only in my book, Emily Post's Wedding Parties, but in our big book of etiquette, aptly named Etiquette, and in our children's series, as well as in Peggy's Excuse Me, and even the big business book! Who knew! There wasn't ever a crush, so I got to do what I love best: talk through each customer's questions about etiquette fully. (My publicists are out there laughing as they read this. Anna? Loves to talk about etiquette? Nahhhh....)

As we parted for the evening, I picked up a box of stationery for myself from Wiley Valentine, a new favorite I found there. The ladies presented me with a beautiful pen and card case from Acme, perfect for our event the next morning--another signing, this time with a talk and Q&A session on wedding etiquette over at the (fabulous!) Double Tree Hotel in Claremont. (They give you warm, melty cookies when you check in. Call me a sucker, but in my jet lagged haze I became a loyal Double Tree customer before even seeing the room.)

Saturday morning, Dina and Joanne put on a great event, with a full room and lots of mimosas. The women had tons of good questions ranging from the usual sticky ones, such as what do you do if someone RSVPs for their kids at a no-kids wedding, to the appalling: "Someone sent me a shower invitation asking me to include a gift receipt with my present--was that okay?" No! And no again! (Though on the flip side, while you cannot ever ask someone to do it, it is nice for the giver to include a gift receipt when sending an off-registry gift.) Afterwards we had a whirlwind signing--let's just say the pen came in very handy!

Sex and the City: The Movie: A Trailer Tells a Familiar Tale

Last Friday I searched high and low on the internet for the new, expanded Sex And The City: The Movie trailer. The last trailer to come out was only about 40 seconds, and it was really more of a pretty slide show set to music than a trailer. When I finally found a video link that worked, I wasn't disappointed.  The movie looks great (despite the set photos of Carrie wearing what looks like a giant scrunchie!), and I for one can't wait to get in line on opening day. The trailer outlined the basic theme of the film: Carrie gets carried away with the wedding planning, and Big leaves her at the altar. My guess is that the rest of the episode--I mean film--will be about Carrie getting her priorities straight and winning him back.

I can't wait for the movie to be out and in the pop culture knowledge base. It's a theme I frequently speak publicly about during book signings and at wedding conferences. It can be so easy to lose sight of how you're treating the people around you during wedding planning--not to mention losing sight of what really matters when it comes to choosing between dresses, guest lists and menus. The question of chicken versus steak can leave people in tears, not to mention other world-enders such as bridesmaid dresses, hair up or down and who sits at what table.

In part I'm being facetious here, but there is some truth to it: all brides (and grooms, and mothers of the bride, etc.) want their wedding to be the best, for their own and enjoyment  and that of their guests. They don't want to let anyone, including themselves, down, and the focus turns to all of that pressure instead of enjoying the process with your loved ones. I'm guessing that Carrie's experience in the movie will give me lots of reference points when I'm speaking to brides.

And what advice would I give to Carrie, and all those other brides out there?

1. Communicate early and often. Keeping everyone who is involved, from mothers to grooms to caterers, on the same page is key to a happy wedding. Weddings are NOT the time for surprises--even small things can matter a lot, and people need time to process a change to their expectations.

2. Schedule time with your loved ones where the focus isn't on the wedding. It will give you--and them--a much needed break, and a chance to keep your priorities straight.

3. Relax! Emily Post's favorite wedding was a small country affair, not a grand crystal-clinking event. The key to doing a wedding "correctly" isn't to force your life to match up to a "rule book" of etiquette; rather, it's to use your common sense to adapt when situations force you out of the norm. You'll succeed off the beaten path so long as you base your decisions in consideration and respect for the other people your choices will affect.

That said, I'm looking forward to Big leading Carrie on one last chase through Manhattan. My only lingering question is whether or not I can legitimately expense my movie ticket...

The Etiquette of Talking Politics

Not everyone can pick a fish fork out of the cutlery line up, but most of America made it through childhood with a few ground rules of inviolable etiquette in place: say please and thank you; don't chew with your mouth open; cut the price tag off a gift; if you can't say anything nice, talk about the weather. Just don't, for goodness sake, ever talk about politics or religion at the dinner table!

Well, the times, they are a-changin'. The elections are everywhere, therefore talking politics is happening everywhere from boardrooms to family dinners. I talked about it myself with the new website Citizen Jane Politics. The fact is, it's rare that etiquette disappears altogether (though I'll grant you the chaperone, abandoned by Emily Post herself in her 1946 edition of her classic tome Etiquette). Instead, etiquette adapts. People want to talk about the elections that are going on, but there are immediate red flags: How do I do this without getting myself into hot water? That is essentially an etiquette question: What are the rules of the road if we decide to engage in political conversation? Here are a few quick tips from a FOX & Friends segment I did over the weekend:

1. Just the facts, ma'am. Stick to discussions of general knowledge: What is a candidate's stance? What did they say in the debate? What are the latest headlines? Stay away from anything too personal, opinionated or judgmental: Who are you voting for? I hate the (insert political party here)! How on earth could you support that candidate?!

2. Have an exit strategy. It takes two to argue, and if you choose not to participate the other person will run out of steam fast. Have a stock answer ready to get you out of a heated conversation: I guess we just don't see eye to eye; or: I'll have to consider that; or: For me, it's private.

3. What's your position? Think about what your purpose is for the conversation. Are you there to learn? Are you there to try to change somebody’s mind? If you’re going to do that, I would strongly suggest doing it in a respectful manner.  Or are you just there to vent, to dump on somebody? That’s neither productive nor helpful to your own cause.

4. Know when to fold 'em. There are still times I'd strongly advise avoiding political topics, especially if it's liable to get heated. Weddings and holidays are risky; they are memorable events, and you don't want the memories to be bad. When meeting new people it's best not to broach such a personal subject--think your girlfriend's parents or a new client.

5. Assume nothing. No matter how perceptive you think you are, you can't possibly know what someone else's personal beliefs are. Don't presume that someone agrees with you--or disagrees, for that matter.

So what's left to talk about? Lots. We all know how lucky we are to live in a society with free elections, and political discourse is central to making good decisions in the voting booth. The best political conversation is one where the participants can ask each other questions to learn more. Asking to know more doesn't mean you have to change your mind--but hey, you never know!

Something Stinks, And It's Not Just The Fish

Not ten minutes ago I walked down the hall of my office building and scrunched up my face in preparation to utter: blech! Fish. I don't know what kind; I don't want to know. The Emily Post Institute uses two suites of offices on a floor with two other companies. There are two communal kitchens, and someone from one of the other companies heated up a fishy dish for lunch today. And as a consequence, the whole floor got to enjoy the smell.

This is a hot topic for many offices (no pun intended). Food smells, office refrigerators, and communal kitchens can all be a huge source of unnecessary conflict and annoyance. I've done a few interviews on this subject, my favorite being one with the Seattle Times a little while back. Check it out to hear some of the hilarious--and shocking--horror stories that are out there. In the meantime, here are a few quick tips to keep the peace in the office fridge:

1. Don't bring smelly (and this can be a good or bad smell) dishes to the office.  Think fish, garlic and popcorn in particular. (Popcorn isn't offensive, but it is pervasive, and people will want some when they smell it popping. Chances are they didn't bring their own bag, making it annoying.)

2. Be responsible for your food: label it clearly (especially salad dressings and peanut butters that hang around for a while) and throw it out when it starts to go bad. Keep a sharpie and some masking tape on the fridge door to help make it easy.

3. Don't hog shelf space, and remember to play nice in the freezer, too! With so many people stocking office freezers with frozen lunches, space can be at a premium. Don't keep more than a week's supply on hand at the max.

4. If it's not yours, DON'T EAT IT!! Duh.

5. When it comes time to clean out, send an e-mail a day or two in advance, letting everyone know to label their food as "keep" before the deadline, or it will be thrown away.

So what's your fridge horror story?

Wedding Party Gifts: Tying Up Loose Ends

In my search to replace a lost favorite pair of gold hoop earrings from jewelers Viv and Ingrid*, I stumbled onto their wedding section--jewelry and accessories for brides and bridesmaids. There is lots of cute stuff, but I especially love the monogrammed jewelry bags, pearl hoop earrings and the monogrammed necklaces. All are great for the bride, or as gifts to the bridal party.  Enjoy!

(*And no: I was in no way paid to say this!)

San Francisco Wedding Event with Amy Nichols

I just got back from a terrific trip to San Francisco, where I teamed up with Amy Nichols, wedding planning extraordinaire, for a booking signing last Saturday at One Fort Mason. I spoke to over fifty brides, mothers of the bride, and bridesmaids for about an hour, and fielded more questions than we had time for! As usual, brides wanted to know about invitations, guest lists, how to politely request a no-kids event, seating of divorced parents and much more. The bridesmaids had questions about the shower and bachelorette parties, and the mom's wanted to know about seating and attire. And that only scratches the surface!

I love doing these events--invariably I get to give advice that puts people at ease. Not a bad job to have!