by Anna Post
While researching disability etiquette for the next (18th) edition of Etiquette, I took a break to read the afternoon headlines, and came across...disability etiquette. The New York Times City Room blog reported today on the New York City Transit's new advertising campaign to educate customers about relinquishing their seats to other passengers in greater need, such as the disabled, pregnant or elderly. One advertisement reads, "Please Offer a Seat (It's not only polite, it's the law.)"
I like the message, but wish they had skipped the parenthetical. But more on that in a moment. I was reminded of my tenure in Washington, D.C., where new traffic signs went up in the downtown while I lived there. In an effort to avoid D.C.'s notorious gridlock (and yes, it is that bad), they said, "DON'T BLOCK THE BOX (please)."
Yes, the "please" was indeed italicized. To me, the parentheses and italics always read as an apology for the courtesy of having said please on a traffic sign. Depending on my mood, and the traffic, these signs either made me roll my eyes in exasperation or laugh. It was as though there was a glaring sign over it, blinking: "Compromise! Compromise! Apology! Apology!" I can image a city planning committee debating the language, parenthetical, and italicization for hours:
"No 'please'; people should know this!"
"If we are nice about it in the sign, drivers will be nice about it on the road!"
"They'll just ignore a request--we have to be firm!"
I love it when people are polite--I've made a whole career out of it. But I also like directness, and the apologetic way the please appears on the D.C. sign made me wish they had skipped it altogether, or made out-and-out committed to it: no italics, no parentheses. Be bold about your courtesy!
The parenthetical lessons on civility and laws on the New York City Transit and D.C. traffic signs speak to new era that is no longer sure whether or not they are making a statement of the obvious--that civility is a known, fundamental part of our interactions as a society--or giving new and valuable information about civility to a society that would care...if it only knew to.
Talk about a question of perspective. How do you see society? In need of a polite nudge to remind us to use good behavior? Lacking beyond the possibility of correction? Are the parentheticals to be polite unnecessary, or is the message simply enough?
Yes, not everyone gives up their seat to an elder or to a disabled person anymore. I think it is sad. The whole world needs to be made as accessible as possible.
I am a disability rights advocate myself. I have spoken nationally on the conference circuit on disability etiquette and disability awareness. In the past, persons with disabilities were treated very poorly. When I was diagnosed with Autism, my mom was told to lock me away in an institution. I was never placed there, and I am a college grad now.
I started researching this about four years ago myself. I had many social challenges related to school, and I had to be taught things like "how does one make a friend?" or "how does one get involved with others at recess?", etc. For much of elementary and middle school, I did not have many friends because of this!
Some of the things I hope you include in your disability etiquette section include:
* Disability is not something to be make fun of. One should adapt if one has to do things a different way because of their inability to move a body part, or if they cannot see or hear, for example.
* If one uses an alternative communication system, the persons friends, family, and co-workers should show courtesy by learning to understand it, and even use it to respond back.
* If one has a sign language or interpreter with them, allow them extra time to respond.
* Seeing eye dogs and monkey helpers should never be petted without permission.
* Chivalry should extend to holding doors and elevators open for those in wheelchairs
* When in a school environment, a person with a disability who has an aide, paraprofessional or interpreter with them is an exception to the "Don't go near the kid when an adult is present rule". Often students unaware of this exception leads to people with special needs not having many friends. Read this URL for more info on this: http://www.uvm.edu/~cdci/parasupport/reviews/EC0571(4)415-430.pdf
* Never call anyone retarded.
* Sometimes noises bother people.
* If a person in school gets special accomodations (such as extra time on tests, speech therapy, occupation therapy, alternative assignments, use of special equipment or technology, etc) that are related to their disability, do not think that it is unfair, because the person may not be able to complete their assignments or tests without them.
* Buildings should made as accessible as possible.
Another thing to remember is that many kids with special needs require more support in what I call the "Hidden Curriculum" (Brenda Smith-Myles also uses this term). The hidden curriculum is a term that refers to the "unstructured hours" of the school day which includes lunch, recess, passing period, before school, after school, assembly time, school spirit days, and the like. Many of these activities aren't taught formally, and for those that have trouble mastering them on their own, this can be a nightmare. If you look, there are a lot of skills one has to know to understand all the games and sports played at recess. Another part is understanding how to do things like "Twin Day" and find a friend who has the same clothing. The same is true with inviting kids over to the birthday parties. I for example, did not understand the meanings of "joke phrases" and "joke names" like "homie" and "home boy". The same is true with all the proper dress, table manners, dance moves, and dating used when kids in high school go to ASB Ball and Prom. Audience clapping was also something I did not know the reasons for back in third grade in regard to assemblies. So when you look at it, there is a whole curriculum that is "hidden" and schools typically offer no instructional time to.
Often, I beleive that school bullying and other school discipline issues are caused by kids who are failing the hidden curriculum.
I would love to see a better future for those in special ed. If you would like to contact me on this, e-mail me at stphinkle@aol.com. I also know many famous presenters on this in addition to myself.
Posted by: Stephen | June 18, 2009 at 05:00 AM