Is "RSVP" Optional in the Age of Evite?

by Anna Post

During media interviews  about tech or wedding etiquette, I'm frequently asked what I think about email invites or services like Evite. The question is straightforward; the answer invariably requires explanation. 

Yes and no is the short, unhelpful version. The problems are mostly about RSVPs and the formality of the party. I say yes if: your guests all have email; all use email (not the same thing); and if you know their current addresses. Yes, if your invitation reflects the level of formality of the party you're throwing. But I vote no if RSVPs are crucial, and never if it's a wedding.  Email is ephemeral and disposable; you run the risk of making your party the same.

Yesterday's New York Times op-ed by Rand Richards Cooper, "It's My Party, And You Have To Answer," strikes to heart of why technology can actually make your life as a host harder, not easier. He summed it up nicely:

"In requesting people to anchor a plan in the distant future of a month hence, you are demanding a kind of navigation that Americans increasingly do not practice. We prefer to remain flexy, solidifying our plans incrementally as the date approaches. Let’s talk tomorrow. I’ll call you when I’m on the road. Cellphones in hand, we microadjust our schedules as they unfold around us. We’re like the air traffic controllers of our own lives."

Well said. I'm not saying this is right, or polite, but I would say it's very accurate. And if that's the reality you're working with as a host, you might want to try another approach to get the word out,  or at least be prepared for a lot of follow-up work. The biggest take away: We are likely to be a guest more often that we are to be a host, so, as the French say, respond, if you please. 

Comments

[Chat Roulette]

I find that no one RSVP's to anything anymore. People do want flexibility in their lives and RSVP's restrict hat. My $.02.

[Karen Blake]

I find it frustrating that more people ignore RSVP's these days. Even an evite should be responded to... casual or not. While Mr. Cooper makes a valid point about the Flexy life style we seem to have , Good manners should never be out of style. I find parents are not teaching them and in so doing, set their children up for criticism as they get older. Is it so Very Hard to make a plan for your social life and keep it? It is still possible to cancel if necessary, and if, as I suspect , something better comes along!

[renaissance costume]

i don't know but in my personal opinion, RSVPS are not for invitations for "important/special occasion. Well in my personal experience, I don't give much attention to RSVP because sometimes there are just too many of those and it's sometimes irritating.

[Mlle M]

In my opinion, it all depends on how personalized the invitation is. Sending out the same invite to 20+ people over a social networking site such as facebook would qualify as a generic invitation that does not require an RSVP. If hosts choose to send out informal invitations instead of investing the time to write personalized emails/to call their guests, then they do this at their peril. Ultimately, everyone likes to feel indispensable - so a host significantly increases the chances for a good turnout if s/he takes the time to speak individually with potential guests.

[Renaissance Dress]

RSVP is optional only it depends on the person whether to have it or not. Sometimes RSVP's are not just necessarily needed.