What Would Emily Post Do?

Business Etiquette for the Digital Age

by Anna Post

The public side of what I do as an author and spokesperson for The Emily Post Institute trends towards the wedding world: I've written two wedding etiquette books, I am a regular columnist for Brides.com and Inside Weddings, I give media interviews on the subject daily, and I travel across the country to speak at bridal events and attend book signings at stores like Williams-Sonoma.

Granted, I also give many interviews on all kinds of etiquette topics, from talking politics to holiday tipping to whether or not it's okay to ignore someone on Facebook. But it's rare that the public sees what occupies much of my time: teaching business etiquette seminars.

My father, Peter Post, and I travel constantly around the country, and sometimes the globe, conducting private seminars for corporations, universities and colleges, and non-profits about the many advantages of business etiquette. It's rare that these sessions are open to the public, but last month I taught a public business etiquette seminar on etiquette in the digital age at Dartmouth College's Rockefeller Center.

Here, in all my pink-shirted glory, I'm excited to invite you to join me for an hour-plus conversation about business etiquette.

Did You Get the Message? Mobile Manners Do Matter

by Anna Post

Ten years ago, cell phones demanded new etiquette guidelines. Now, smart phones and BlackBerrys are the new black sheep of the mobile device family.  How do we know we need rules for them? The sheer amount of public debate alone clamors for answers. The New York Times added its voice to the mix (again) recently with its piece by Alex Williams, "Mind Your BlackBerry or Mind Your Manners." Perhaps a little etiquette advice can allow us to do both?

My favorite anecdote describes a man playing a racing game on his iPhone for the duration of an hour-plus-long meeting. Why did those he was meeting with grin and bear it? Because this was a potential client, and they didn't want to lose the deal. Regardless, this man's behavior--only giving a piece of his attention--showed a clear lack of respect. Luckily for him it was a price someone was willing to pay. 

The article also references a May 2009 poll by Yahoo HotJobs. In it, over 33 percent of the 5,300 respondents said they frequently check emails in a meeting, and nearly 20 percent said they had been taken to task over their manners. I'm guessing the number of those offended was even higher, as many, like those meeting with the iPhone Mario Andretti, will stay mum about the offense given. 

In recent days I've also seen reporting on mobile device manners surveys by both Intel and Harris International.The Intel survey discussed something that an AP/IPSOS poll from a few years had also confirmed to me: People see rudeness in others, not in themselves. Intel reports that 9 out of 10 people were annoyed by mobile behaviors, but only 38 percent admitted to texting while with others. This is a clear case of lack of awareness. These many polls and surveys show that people are indeed bothered by someone using their smart phone or BlackBerry right in front of them. Understanding how we are perceived--as annoying or rude--when we lose perspective on our situation can help us invest in minding our manners.

BlackBerrys and smart phones are not the problem. They can be a huge asset in the business world--the president himself endorses them as vital to his ability to do his job. (You know, leader of the free world.) The problem is how--and when--we choose to use them. A few tips:

1. Turn it off in a meeting. While others may be trying to show how busy and important they are, you'll be showing your respect for the people you are with. Which one do you want to do business with?

2. Be wary of where and what you are doing on your Blackberry.  If you happen to be updating your Facebook status or checking your bank account information, you never know who might be peeking over your shoulder. I’ve been working with 3M and they have this great 3M Mobile Privacy Film that darkens side views so people can’t see what your doing on your Blackberry.  This also comes in handy when dealing with nosy friends who are trying to get a look at what you are texting your significant other.

3. Use correct spelling, punctuation, capitalization, salutations and closings when BlackBerrying with anyone you don't know well, especially clients and superiors. This goes doubly for anyone a generation (or two or three) above you, who may not be as tolerant of the casual nature of BlackBerry messages. The quick, abbreviated message you tap out may look fine on your little screen, but it's not so impressive when seen across a large monitor in an office.

The article closed with a quote about BlackBerry use in meetings from David Brotherton, a Seattle-based media consultant: "It's a not-so-subtle way of signaling 'I'm connected. I'm busy. I'm important. And if this meeting doesn't hold my interest, I've got 10 other things I can do instead.'"

Okay, I get it--you're cool! But if you've got attention to spare for your BlackBerry while in a meeting, you need to organize your time better. Working smart in this economy is crucial, so save your BlackBerrys for the subways, taxis and airports--the in-between times--and give all of your focus to the people you are with.

Guest Blog: Thanks, But No Thanks

This week I'm introducing my first guest blogger, author Peter Post, who is not only an etiquette expert and co-director for The Emily Post Institute, but is also...my dad.

by Peter Post

As a business person, I feel the pull to be everything to everyone. Yes, we can do a seminar next week. Yes, we can meet that price point. Yes, we can add another short session at no additional charge. Yes, we can! It’s easy to say yes in the short term and pay the price in the long run.

Most people, including savvy business people, don’t like to say “No, thank you.” But think about this: saying no can be the considerate and honest thing to do. The people affected by your decision deserve to know where you stand as quickly as possible.  It doesn’t represent you or your company well to say yes initially and then either change your position later, or have to deliver on a promise that doesn’t benefit you.

Consider these tips to create positive relationships without having to say yes.

• Think before you act. In most cases, you do not need to give an immediate answer. Weigh your options and understand your limits, such as time, money, or interest. “That’s a great question, Ms. Carerra. I want to be really thoughtful in giving you an answer. Can I call you next week to talk about this?”
  
  
• Accentuate the positive; answer respectfully. Show you appreciate a proposal even if you do have to turn it down: “I appreciate that you brought this opportunity to us. I’m sorry we can’t work together this time, but we’d be interested in hearing from you next year.”
  
  
• Give a reason when possible. When you can give a good and honest reason for turning down an opportunity, the potential client walks away feeling that she was treated in a sincere and helpful way. “We’ve made the choice to focus on print rather than radio this year, but I know that we’ll revisit that decision next year. Let’s talk then.”
  
  
• Be straight about the future. If you don’t want to leave the door open for future unwelcome proposals, you will need to be clear about your business’s policy (even if you develop it just to address this particular situation): “I appreciate your proposal; however, our business has a policy about not bartering for services.
  
• Be firm. Sometimes when you say no, your prospective clients will understand and tell you so; other times, they will be confused or angry. Respectfully listen to what they have to say, but don’t change your answer.

 Lastly, as the person being asked, beware of those who would pressure in ways that can make saying no more difficult:

• Flattery: “I could have brought this opportunity to any business, but I brought it here because of your outstanding reputation. I know that your team can make this a success.
• Bullying: “You’re making a mistake if you don’t take me up on this offer.”
• Someone else’s problem becoming yours: “I can’t handle this on my own – I need your help.”

Don’t feel pressured to say yes by people who use these tactics. In fact, if someone uses these approaches, be very wary of saying yes.

Regardless of whether you say yes or no to an offer, use consideration, respect, and honesty as your “etiquette filter.” You will be able to build and maintain successful relationships while saying, “Thanks, but no thanks.”

When in Washington, Do As The Washingtonians Do

by Anna Post

This morning I heard a terrific piece on Vermont Public Radio by Bill Seamans on Meeting and Greeting, or shaking hands. An award-winning journalist and a former correspondent and bureau chief for ABC News in the Middle East, Mr. Seamans mused on whether President Obama should greet Arab officials visiting Washington, D.C., with a kiss on the cheek, as is customary in the Middle East, or with a classic American handshake.

This question gets to the heart of diplomacy: Do you make others welcome as though they were in their home, or do you pay respect to your own traditions and culture when on home turf? This question is considerate by nature, something near and dear to the heart of etiquette, so I think it's a wonderful one to ask. And it doesn't extend to just President Obama; I am frequently asked about greeting foreigners in business--do we bow, shake, hug, cheek-kiss--and if we kiss, is it once, twice, three times? And which side do we start on? We don't want to smack someone on the lips by accident and lose a deal before we've even sat down!

"I think that President Obama should play it safe and stick to the familiar handshake so as not to accidentally offend any sensitivities," Mr. Seamans said.  I like this solution, for exactly that reason. Go with the handshake; after all, that's our custom and it's what is expected here. When visiting another culture, I'd say the same is true: know what may be expected of you there to show respect for entering into their cultural territory. Basically, it's the redux of "when in Rome, do as the Romans do".

If you'd like to add both kinds of greetings, say a bow and then a handshake, that's great too--now all the bases are covered. (Be sure you know your visitors, though; don't assume that all Asians bow and all Europeans kiss.) When going for both greetings, start with the least intimate contact and move toward the more intimate one. So, bow then shake then hug then kiss. As in most things (meeting new bosses, a significant other's parents), it's easiest to start off formally and then move to the informal than it is to go in the other direction. The whole idea of building a relationship, a dialog, with someone is to become more familiar with them; our actions should mimic this.

Good luck, President Obama; I know you'll represent us well! For more on what makes a good handshake, see my notes on Cindy McCain's sprained hand from last summer.

Make Sure Your Communication Etiquette Is Effective...Or Is It Affective?

by Anna Post

The New York Times runs a column called "After Deadline" by Philip B. Corbett, that analyzes incorrect usage of the English language through examples that mistakenly made it into the paper. It's a great to brush up on your skills, and this week's was very apropos to a subject whose (not who's) importance I can't stress enough: grammar.

I teach communication etiquette as a core part of almost every business etiquette seminar I'm hired to conduct. In this segment, we cover how to communicate in business--whether it's (not its) with email, snail mail, cell phones, BlackBerries, regular ol' telephones, voice mail or even...in person. Shocking, I know.

There (not they're) is a portion of the email segment where I stress the need for your writing to represent you well--it's an extension of your (not you're) image. Use of correct grammar, spelling, punctuation, capitalization, salutations and closings all play a part in this.

If respecting the English language isn't reason enough to invest in good grammar, then allow me to offer this food for thought: When there (not their) is a mistake present, that is where the recipient's focus goes; not to the good information the sender wanted to convey. Distractions in business can affect (not effect) our bottom line; it's worth investing in skills that keep the focus on advancing our message, and thus our productivity. 

This week's column, titled "Words to Watch", explains the difference between some common words, such as affect and effect and principal and principle. It also examines some more obscure confusions, such as between abjure and adjure. I would like to add a few other common words to watch out for in your writing; after all, spell check won't pick these up, and grammar check is, in my experience, dicey at best.

It's vs. its. The first is a contraction of "it is", the second is possessive (belonging to it).

Who's vs. whose. Who's is a contraction of "who is", and whose is a possessive of "who" (i.e., "Whose pencil is that?").

There vs. their vs. they're. There is a place. Their is possessive (belonging to them). They're is a contraction of "they are".

I made a mistake recently with the last one--I used there when I should have used their. I know the difference, but was typing answers quickly on a Washington Post live online chat, and posted my answer before rereading it. It was too late to fix, and people noticed and wrote in about it. Not the impression I wanted to make--especially when I do know better.

It just goes to show that even professional writers don't get it right all the time. That's why I like Mr. Corbett's column: Hopefully I'll learn to avoid future mistakes, and if not, at least I know I'm in good company!

When It Comes To Business Etiquette, Do You Make The Grade?

I frequently google around on etiquette topics to get a feel for what's out there, and last night's search gave me back this USA Today quiz on business etiquette. (Just turn off your volume first, it has annoying audio.)

It's a great quiz, asking lots of the questions that I am asked to cover when I lead business etiquette seminars. And they got all of the answers right! (I expected nothing less, but it's nice to these finer points hit so well.)

But, heh heh, I didn't get all the answers right (insert blush here). I got 14 out of 15, and I'll give you a leg up on the one I got wrong, as it taught me something new.

The question was, "What percentage of the message you communicate is conveyed through your visual appearance?" You could choose 30%, 55% or 75%, and never having heard these breakdowns before, I had to take a shot in the dark. I went for shock value and chose 75% (which would be scary if true).

Survey says: Incorrect! Phew. The answer is 55%, with this explanation: "This figure is from a study by Albert  Mehrabian , a professor of psychology at UCLA.  Your wardrobe should fit and be appropriate for the setting.  Pay attention to your body language, and don't forget to smile." I may have never heard this stat before, but as a professional etiquette expert, I couldn't agree more with the advice.

Something Stinks, And It's Not Just The Fish

Not ten minutes ago I walked down the hall of my office building and scrunched up my face in preparation to utter: blech! Fish. I don't know what kind; I don't want to know. The Emily Post Institute uses two suites of offices on a floor with two other companies. There are two communal kitchens, and someone from one of the other companies heated up a fishy dish for lunch today. And as a consequence, the whole floor got to enjoy the smell.

This is a hot topic for many offices (no pun intended). Food smells, office refrigerators, and communal kitchens can all be a huge source of unnecessary conflict and annoyance. I've done a few interviews on this subject, my favorite being one with the Seattle Times a little while back. Check it out to hear some of the hilarious--and shocking--horror stories that are out there. In the meantime, here are a few quick tips to keep the peace in the office fridge:

1. Don't bring smelly (and this can be a good or bad smell) dishes to the office.  Think fish, garlic and popcorn in particular. (Popcorn isn't offensive, but it is pervasive, and people will want some when they smell it popping. Chances are they didn't bring their own bag, making it annoying.)

2. Be responsible for your food: label it clearly (especially salad dressings and peanut butters that hang around for a while) and throw it out when it starts to go bad. Keep a sharpie and some masking tape on the fridge door to help make it easy.

3. Don't hog shelf space, and remember to play nice in the freezer, too! With so many people stocking office freezers with frozen lunches, space can be at a premium. Don't keep more than a week's supply on hand at the max.

4. If it's not yours, DON'T EAT IT!! Duh.

5. When it comes time to clean out, send an e-mail a day or two in advance, letting everyone know to label their food as "keep" before the deadline, or it will be thrown away.

So what's your fridge horror story?

Are You In? LinkedIn, That Is

A friend recently sent me an invite to join LinkedIn. I almost just followed that with "a social networking site" to describe it in case you aren't familiar, except that it's not really for socializing; it's for business contacts. Thinking, heck, what's one more on top of Facebook, MySpace and Friendster, I got my page, filled out the resume-like q&a's and sent contact requests (like a friend request). An urban planning friend in Portland, Oregon, sent an e-mail back asking basically, why should I bother?

Um, wow. In my desire to be a part of the latest and greatest, I didn't ever really stop to think about that one. I'll admit I wasn't really planning to get any business out of LinkedIn, and I'm not looking for a job. Thinking that the site itself might provide me with its mantra, I checked out the "about us" page, and there it was: "LinkIn's simple philosophy: Relationships Matter."

Wow again!! This is EXACTLY what we tell people at our business etiquette seminars. In business, being nice might be seen by some as unnecessary to getting ahead. After all, don't nice guys finish last? Nope. In business, your professional skills get you in the door, but it's your people skills that seal the deal.

One of the goals of our Emily Post business etiquette seminars is "to build better relationships. And here is LinkedIn expressing that same principle. With a network of connections (according to them, 12 million) who can stay in touch, put people in touch, and generally vouch for each other, it will be interesting to find out. And no matter what, I love that they highlight the importance of relationships in business.