What Would Emily Post Do?

Thank-You Notes: Blue Ribbon is the Winner

by Anna Post

As an etiquette author and expert, people sometimes expect me to eat with seventeen utensils on the table, wear gloves and a hat at all times, be 114 years old, and have no sense of humor.

Not the case! I am quite normal, and don't worry too much about living up to others' expectations for good behavior (no crooked pinkies here!)--I choose only to live up to my own. The one place the two do meet is over thank-you notes.

I talk about the importance of writing thank-you notes at wedding book signings and business etiquette seminars. I am well aware of the egg that would be on my face if I then failed to practice what I preach.

I love writing notes, and I don't find thank-you notes a chore. I think most people avoid them because they place too much pressure on themselves. You don't need to write a Shakespearean tome of gratitude; a few simple lines saying thanks for the gift is all it takes:

• Say thank you for the specific gift
• Say something in praise of it (and if that would be a lie, just say how thoughtful it was of the giver, as this much is true)
• Add a few personal lines if you wish ("look forward to seeing you this summer," etc.)
• Or just end with a "thanks again" and then sign off

A large part of my affinity for writing thank-yous comes from the joy I take in the cards themselves. I love the style options out there today, and save the beautiful note cards that are sent to me. My current favorite (photo above) came from my editor at Brides.com; she thanked me for a baby gift I sent her on a note card from Blue Ribbon, a letterpress company out of Brooklyn. The site answered my desire for cards that are classic enough to say a serious "thank-you" but also chic and stylish enough to feel fresh and modern.

Enjoy! (And no need to thank me.)

Be Bold About Your Courtesy, America! No Apologies!

by Anna Post

While researching disability etiquette for the next (18th) edition of Etiquette, I took a break to read the afternoon headlines, and came across...disability etiquette. The New York Times City Room blog reported today on the New York City Transit's new advertising campaign to educate customers about relinquishing their seats to other passengers in greater need, such as the disabled, pregnant or elderly. One advertisement reads, "Please Offer a Seat (It's not only polite, it's the law.)"

I like the message, but wish they had skipped the parenthetical. But more on that in a moment. I was reminded of my tenure in Washington, D.C., where new traffic signs went up in the downtown while I lived there. In an effort to avoid D.C.'s notorious gridlock (and yes, it is that bad), they said, "DON'T BLOCK THE BOX (please)."

Yes, the "please" was indeed italicized. To me, the parentheses and italics always read as an apology for the courtesy of having said please on a traffic sign. Depending on my mood, and the traffic, these signs either made me roll my eyes in exasperation or laugh. It was as though there was a glaring sign over it, blinking: "Compromise! Compromise! Apology! Apology!" I can image a city planning committee debating the language, parenthetical, and italicization for hours:

    "No 'please'; people should know this!"
    "If we are nice about it in the sign, drivers will be nice about it on the road!"
    "They'll just ignore a request--we have to be firm!"

I love it when people are polite--I've made a whole career out of it. But I also like directness, and the apologetic way the please appears on the D.C. sign made me wish they had skipped it altogether, or made out-and-out committed to it: no italics, no parentheses. Be bold about your courtesy!

The parenthetical lessons on civility and laws on the New York City Transit and D.C. traffic signs speak to new era that is no longer sure whether or not they are making a statement of the obvious--that civility is a known,  fundamental part of our interactions as a society--or giving new and valuable information about civility to a society that would care...if it only knew to.

Talk  about a question of perspective. How do you see society? In need of a polite nudge to remind us to use good behavior? Lacking beyond the possibility of correction? Are the parentheticals to be polite unnecessary, or is the message simply enough?

Fly the WiFi-Friendly Skies

 by Anna Post

I'm on the web all the time, whether it's for work or my own personal use. I'm also on planes all the time, though just for work. The two don't usually mix, but thanks to AirTran, that will soon be changing. 

By the end of July, AirTran plans to have all of its planes equipped to offer in-flight WiFi to passengers with wireless internet-capable devices. No more disconnecting from the real world from take-off to touch-down.

So much of my life is wired into the internet--blogging, banking, email, weather, news, pop culture, Facebook, Netflix, Pandora, work, shopping--that I always thought I'd be happy to log back on once we reached cruising altitude. I'm a very copacetic flyer, enjoying the time-out from phone calls and emails to read books and magazines, get ahead on my columns and chapters for work, watch in-flight movies, or snooze to my iPod. I'm realizing that I indulge--and enjoy--all of these things because I don't have the internet as an option. Will that enjoyment diminish now that it's available? I don't think so. Hello, Netflix on-demand!

It does, however, make me think about how best to set some boundaries. Perhaps I won't open Outlook. And in such crowded quarters, it certainly makes me think about privacy. Someone reading my laptop over my shoulder right now will likely see my latest masterpiece of etiquette--hardly state secrets. But I check my bank account several times a day. Not information I want available to seat 14B. And many of the movies in my Netflix queue are rated R; while many are also Oscar nominated, it doesn't mean they are appropriate for a public audience.

It's for exactly these kinds of reasons that I'm working with 3M Privacy Filters on an etiquette program. A thin film of plastic, the 3M privacy filter drops into discrete clear plastic tabs that adhere to the edges of your screen, making the filter removable when at home. From the side, the screen appears black, but when sitting in front of it, you'd never know it was there.

I recently saw them in use when visiting someone in the hospital, and they make perfect sense--nothing on the monitor was visible, even as I passed very close to a mobile computer unit. Unless the passenger directly behind you has x-ray vision, your bank codes and taste in movies will stay as private as you could wish. (Read: no one has to know that I watch Gossip Girl.)

Interestingly, 3M also makes a film that works the same way as the computer filters, but is used for cell phones. But please, let's draw the line at in-flight cell phone use. We need to keep those skies friendly.

Gibbs Delivers White House Press Briefing on Etiquette

by Anna Post

At a White House briefing yesterday, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs was speaking to members of the press when a cell phone rang. He handled it perfectly, asking the owner, John Gizzi of Human Events magazine, to put it on vibrate. His tone used humor to stem Gizzi's rudeness—especially as it was the third time he'd asked it to be shut off. I know some corporate cultures are lax in their attitudes toward cell phones and BlackBerries, but this is, um, the White House. And televised. Show a little respect!

Figuring the third time was the charm, Gibbs returned to his briefing, only to have the phone ring a fourth time. Not only was Gizzi thoughtlessly rude to have left it on so many times, he was actively rude to ignore the request to switch it off.

Gibbs then did what so many of us have dreamed of in restaurants, movie theaters, and crowded airports: He confiscated the phone and tossed it down an adjacent hallway (claiming someone caught it), and then literally shut the door on the while thing. It made my day watching how well he handled it.

But it gets better. Another phone goes off, and instead of ignoring it, the phone's owner, CBS reporter Bill Plante, actually takes the call! He blew it twice: He should have had the phone on vibrate—especially after Gibbs made his nationally televised point—and if he was going to take the call, he should have left the room first and then answered. Perhaps it was a play to get some face time and attention for CBS? If so, I can only say that in this case, not all press is good press. 

The White House press corps clearly needs an etiquette briefing: Keep phones on silent or vibrate when in a meeting, or better yet, turn them off. That's what voice mail, annoying as it is, is for. If you simply must take a call, step outside first and then answer.

I can already hear the follow up: Why? Attention is a sign of respect. When you've chosen to commit your time to someone, whether it's in business or your personal life, you owe them your attention—you owe them your respect.

NPR Shows Us How to Shake the Swine Flu

From swine flu scares to the common cold, facts are facts: Germs are spread by human contact. But for as long as humans have understood the concept of being social, greetings have been part of our code of civility. Whether it's bowing, kissing, or shaking hands, failing to engage in these greetings can damage first impressions or long-standing relationships alike.

So what happens when safeguarding our collective health comes into conflict with the most basic and ingrained of social customs? NPR inspired me today with their partly serious, partly spoof guide, Don't Gimme Five! While I'd draw the line at the "foot smack" (it looks too much like a ball player kicking sand at an umpire), holding back on the classic shake isn't always a bad idea.

Whether you refrain from contact to help the CDC, because your religion forbids it, or your hand just isn't available, say with words what the hand shake, hug, or social kiss implicitly conveys, "It's great to meet you/see you; please excuse me for not shaking hands."

Founding Fathers, Founding Manners

My boyfriend and I have been working our way through the seven-part HBO miniseries John Adams, based on the book of the same name by David McCullough. I read the book when it first came out and loved it, so I was prepared to like the series. I was completely surprised, however, by the portrayal of George Washington.

I had never though very hard about it, but I realized I had no concept of him as an individual; to me, he was just the mythic figure of grade school, and later, as a political science major in college, as the author of his famous Farewell Address in 1796. But the performance that David Morse gave brought him endearingly to life. So much so that I pulled a copy of His Excellency: George Washington, by Joseph J. Ellis, off my shelf where it had been lingering unread since my John Adams days.

In the early pages I was reminded of the list of manners--110 in all--that Washington wrote when he was young. Though sometimes sold as a book, credited to him as the author, in reality, they were a copy of a set of manners created by French Jesuit priests in 1595.

While it was most likely a penmanship exercise, the list survived as a terrific example of the timelessness of good manners--and the peculiarities of a few that, while the considerate sentiment is classic, have no bearing on our modern age, such as number nine: "Spit not in the Fire, nor Stoop low before it neither Put your Hands into the Flames to warm them, nor Set your Feet upon the Fire especially if there be meat before it."

I also love the superciliousness of number 16: "Do not Puff up the Cheeks, Loll not out the tongue rub the Hands, or beard, thrust out the lips, or bite them or keep the Lips too open or too Close." I would translate this to: Be self-aware of your actions and image. But to each his own.

Number one sums it all up, though: "Every Action done in Company, ought to be with Some Sign of Respect, to those that are Present." This is timeless advice that will never change.

Facebook Manners, Fifties Style

by Anna Post

This video about Facebook manners made my day!

Time picked up on it as well with a sharp article, "How Not to Be Hated on Facebook."

I love Facebook. I use it to stay in touch with friends far away and to reconnect with friends from long ago. I use it for fun, posting comments, pictures, links, and updates as the whim strikes. I also use it for work, maintaining fan pages for the Emily Post Institute (our present and future) and for Emily Post (our foundation and past).

The video nails some of the basic manners for using Facebook. There are a lot of don'ts in there, but there are few actions that are okay to take on Facebook, too:

1. It is okay to ignore someone. Know your technology: If you ignore, the person is not alerted. They, can, however, now ask to be your friend again. If you take no action at all and simply leave them in the friend queue, they can't keep sending friend requests. What I don't recommend is sending an email explaining why you are not accepting them--salt in the wounds.

2. It is okay to delete a friend. Their friend count merely goes down by one; they do not receive notification as to which friend is now missing.

3. It is okay to untag yourself from a picture, or ask to have a photo with you in it removed altogether.

4. It is okay to decline or ignore quizzes, groups, causes, and IM chats.

5. This one is a big shocker, I know...but yes, it is okay to log out and go see your friends in person!

Mr. Manners: What Obama Teaches Us About Excellent Manners

by Anna Post

Pictures of President Obama caught in the act of being polite have become ubiquitous--enough so that The Huffington Post, for which I also blog, ran a series of them today titled "Mr. Manners: What Obama Teaches Us About Excellent Manners," and asked me to write the introduction and captions.

They were a ton of fun to put together, but I was just as impressed with the comments section below. I read through about the first hundred, and was very uplifted by how many people said they value good etiquette and were excited to see our president as a roll model for a renewed focus on manners.

Video: Table Setting 101 For Kids!

by Anna Post WWEPD?'s first video blog! Check out my sister Lizzie Post as she breaks down--and sets up--table settings for an everyday family meal. Lizzie and I took turns setting the table for dinner when we were growing up, and we think this is a great video to share with your kids--get them involved! Check out our printable place mats to help them practice until they have the hang of it.

When parents ask us the best thing they can do to teach their kids good manners, we answer, "Have dinner with them every night!" You have the chance to teach them the manners you want them to know, the opportunity to practice until it becomes second nature, and you can keep an eye out for behaviors they might learn elsewhere that you don't want them to have, such as swearing or eating with their mouth full (gross!).

Push Presents: What to Expect When You're Expecting

by Anna Post

When I arrived at work this morning, I wasn't even in the door when I was asked, "Do you know what a 'push present' is?" by a colleague. Yep, as a matter of fact, I do. Just let me put my bags down.

Gifts given by a spouse or partner to the woman who just delivered their child, or "push presents", as they're somewhat bluntly called, are becoming more prevalent. I first heard of them a year or two ago as a growing trend, though they have certainly been happening for years. Often a piece of jewelry akin to an anniversary present, they are given to a new mom shortly after a birth (though not when anyone--baby, mom, or dad--still needs attending to; wait for a quiet moment).

I asked some moms in my office if they had received one, and the standard answer I heard was, "Isn't my baby the present?" I'm not a mom, but I couldn't agree more.

There is nothing wrong, though, with giving someone you love a present at a special moment in your lives. This one boils down to expectations. First, push presents aren't required, so don't feel slighted if one doesn't appear. Second, if you are expecting something, and what you get doesn't meet your expectations (or you don't get anything at all), you've set yourself up to be disappointed during one of the most joyous occasions anyone could experience.

But as an extra token of love and appreciation, go for it.